First and Last
by Johanna-002
Summary: My attempt at completing a "First and last time" challenge. Red/Gloria centric, because that's what my world revolves around as of late.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** First and Last

 **Summary:** My attempt at completing a "First and last time" challenge. Red/Gloria centric, because that's what my world revolves around as of late.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen, I do, however, own my writing so please don't steal- Johanna002©

 _ **Read, Review, Subscribe, Add to Favs**_

-01-

I never thought that I would fall in love with you. I never thought we would be together.

But all it took was one look at you, and suddenly I felt as if everything I had ever known was wrong. Maybe it was losing Nicky-the fact that you didn't have her anymore. You just looked so incredibly sad. I remember the day like it was yesterday.

I had entered the office, hardly paying you any mind as you occupied the metal chair against the wall. The only thing on my mind was finding my gum before you did. It was spearmint.

Ya know, the good kind.

Small talk has never been something I exceeded at. Probably why my first words to you were, "You look like shit."

Always a romantic, huh?

I remember being so intent on my gum and rifling through the drawers, that I still hadn't really given you a thorough look over. Maybe if I had, I would have noticed that your blue eyes were an ocean of sadness. Instead, I had only baited you.

"No witty comeback?" I had asked, flipping through the stack of papers Caputo had given me for inventory. My gum wasn't in the drawer, but as you and reflected later, I didn't want to admit that Aleida had stolen it.

What a bitch.

"That's not like you," I said distractedly. "Cat got your tongue?" I tossed the papers onto the desk, every intention of making you do them yourself when you snapped out of whatever funk you seemed to be consumed by. "Probably payback for freezing its cousin to death." I pulled open the drawer on the opposite side. "I hope you and Nicky aren't having another silent competition, you always lose. That big mouth of yours it's no wonder you ended up in here."

As painful whimper touched my ears, I finally turned around to face you. "What's the matter with you?" I asked. "You're tapping out already? I guess Nicky will be pleased to hear that."

Your head fell back against the wall and you rolled it slowly to the side, determined I wouldn't see you cry. "Nicky's gone," you whispered.

I had to strain to hear you. "What do you mean she's gone?" I asked.

"She's gone."

"Where the hell did she go, shopping?" I scoffed. "She couldn't have gone far. Maybe she's with Lorna. I heard they put a lock on of those utility closets."

"She's in max," you told me coldly.

My heart dropped for you. I physically felt it fall into the pit of my stomach. Gum forgotten, I sunk down into the black, leather office chair. "God…" I can't even imagine what it feels like to be you, to lose a child...again. You and I know that pain better than anyone… being taken from our kids. Once was enough, I know you agree. To have it happen a second time… still, even now, just thinking about it rocks me to my core.

A hard and broken sob ripped from you. Your posture slumped and you were bent at the waist, crying into your hands as your elbows dug painfully into your kneecaps. It was the first time I had truly looked you-saw you. You were a disaster. A mess.

Not some beautiful trauma, but a literal wreck. I slid from the chair and onto my knees. Mother to mother, I engulfed you in a tight hug. You resisted, of course… just like you resist everything.

"It's okay," I whispered, knowing it was the last thing you wanted to hear.

"No, it's not!" you sobbed.

I nodded against your head and hugged you tighter. "No," I agreed. "It's not." At that exact moment, you surrendered. I think it may have been the first time you were seeing me too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** First and Last

 **Summary:** My attempt at completing a "First and last time" challenge. Red/Gloria centric, because that's what my world revolves around as of late.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen, I do, however, own my writing so please don't steal- Johanna002©

 _ **Read, Review, Subscribe, Add to Favs**_

-02-

My back was jammed up against the wall of the greenhouse, head knocking against the polycarbonate material of the window. I whimpered, but you continued your task, smiling against my skin as you nipped at my neck. Your hands were everywhere. One under my shirt, cradling my back and pulling me as close to you as I could get, and the other on my waist.

"We should stop," I whisper, not at all convincing. It's the first words I've said to you since the whole thing began. My hand is on the back of your neck, holding you in place and there is not an honest bone in my body that says I'm letting you up anytime soon.

Trailing your mouth upward, you kiss a path to the corner of my mouth before attacking my lips savagely. Willingly, I grant you access, massaging my tongue against yours. Your short, bitten nails are piercing into my hips, and it's all I can focus on until your tongue makes a foreign rolling motion within my mouth. I pull back slightly breathless. I must look pretty dazed because you seem incredibly proud of yourself, a coy and overly confident smirk pulling at the corner of your lips.

The way you're looking at me now… it's the way I want you to look at me forever. These alien feelings of elation-feeling that you invoke-are something that I never want to lose. I never imagined I would find this. Let alone with you.

I don't want to lose you, but I feel as if it's inevitable.

We have an ocean of differences separating us, and aside from prison and lack of privacy, it's the very reason we have tucked ourselves away in our own _Garden of Eden._

You do all that you can to make me happy, but I think you too, know the end is near.

My hand, where it rests on your neck, softly strokes upward until I am cupping your cheek. Porcelain and copper-our skin tones, our age, nothing about this makes sense. We have tucked away in here because deep down, we're both petrified of what anyone would say out there.

Aleida.

Nicky.

Administration.

God… what if administration found out about this?

And if we're scared about them… what about _out there….in the real world?_ My kids. Your kids.

"Gloria," I whisper, my thumb moving back and forth along the strong bone of your facial structures. "What are we doing?"

Your eyes flash with concern and you softly but quickly kiss my lips. I know you know that this is serious… that I'm panicking… You know me so well, and while I need and want to have this conversation, I still need your affection.

For as long as I can, I want to hang onto you-on to us.

"I don't know," you whisper honestly, forehead resting against mine. Your warm breath fans over my face and I smile. I don't know how you do it, but still, several hours later you still smell like coffee. It's a comforting scent to me now.

"I love you," I admit honestly.

"I know," you say easily.

Such a conceited ass.

You kiss my forehead. "I love you too."

"I-I don't want to stop…" my hand moves down the length of your back. Slipping under your shirt, to stroke your back, I stop just above the waistband of your pants. My hand moves across your back, as your nose moves against mine.

It's sickening really… how much I give of myself to you; how innocently I play these flirtatious games with you.

"Didn't plan on it," you say. Your mouth finds mine, and your pressing into me even more roughly then you had been before. Hands clawing at me in the most delicious way as you explore every inch of me.

I used to hate this… hate how exposed you make me feel.

Now, though, your touch has become something of a comfort. I wonder if you even feel the imperfections. The stretch marks, the weight gain-the many marks and changes brought on by life.

Your hand moves down the front of me, descending down my khakis, and between my legs. The first touch of you, of your velvety softness, and all I can say is, "No one can know."

We let out simultaneous moans. Mine in relation to the fullness you bring me, and yours in response to the warmth of our union.

"I promise," you say, stroking and moving within me.

It's a promise I'm sure you'll take to your grave.


	3. Chapter 3

-03-

Six years later

I sit on the steps of your front porch, heavily propped up against the chipped stair railing. You're talking and I'm nodding along, barely. I hate to say it, but you quit making sense to me a long time ago.

"Gloria?"

I turn my head in answer. A careless expression pulled across my face. I didn't realize just how close the two of us were.

It's strange, isn't it? How You still feel so far away.

Grunting in acknowledgment, I focus my attention back to the street, blindly pulling at the long weeds that have sprouted between the cracks of concrete.

With a careful glance behind you, you finally make a move to touch me. Your shoulder bumps mine and you rest your warm and delicate hand upon my knee. "Are you okay?" Your sincerity is obvious as you scratch your nails against me playfully. "You've been awfully quiet tonight."

"I'm always quiet," I say simply.

You laugh. It's a beautiful sound. My favourite melody.

"Maybe when you're asleep," you say, rolling your eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Tired?" I say uncertainty.

"Are you asking, or telling me?" I'm not even looking at you, but I can tell your smile has all but faded from your lips. This time, as you move closer to me, there is no second glance over your shoulder, but you do groan slightly, and I curse myself for a brief moment at how uncomfortable it must be for you to sit on the cement next to me.

"You know you can talk to me, right?" Your hand rubs at the small of my back. "I don't think I've seen you this upset since Julio ate your leftovers that one day, and he swore he would never do that again."

You're laughing again, and a smile is pulling at the corners of my mouth. Your hand trails upward to rub at the knots in my shoulder. "Talk to me," you whisper.

My thoughts are a mess, but I can't help but to melt into your touch. I don't know if you realize this, but you mean everything to me. You really do.

We are so perfect together.

Do you know that? Do you know how perfect we are? Our union resembles a dream. It's everything I ever wanted.

You are everything I ever wanted.

I didn't use to believe that I deserved this. That I deserved happiness. It's taken me way too many years to find value within myself; to reach the level of comfort and confidence that I currently hold; to accept that I deserve someone who sees me as their equal.

For too long, I have subjected herself to men and to relationships that did nothing for me. Men, who didn't hold me as a high priority, who saw me as subhuman- if they even me at all.

My past relationships had never been very healthy. You know that.

You know that.

So why are we here?

Why am I here? In this shell of barely existing.

And don't tell me I'm crazy. You prove it everytime you look over your shoulder.

"Are you gonna talk to me, or are we going to sit here all night and watch the grass grow?" You're losing patience with me. I can tell. You've never been very patient.

I'm facing you now, giving you my undivided attention. Taking your hand in mine, I squeeze it tightly before lacing our fingers together. I love it, the sight of us. Copper and porcelain. My eyes trace over the softness of your profile. Since our release, you've softened so much. Your makeup is more subtle then it had been, and your hair is more red than violet. I kinda wish you'd stop dying it all together, the peak of grey at the top is beautiful and I'm all but a little jealous that my own hair hasn't started greying.

Weird thing to want, I know. But I see a certain beauty in it.

I see a certain beauty in you, and within myself that I can't quite explain.

You tilt your head and your brow arches high in question as you look for any sign of life within me.

You're so beautiful I could kiss you.

I probably make a move to, because the next thing I'm hearing is my name and you don't sound at all impressed. You sound worried… and dare I say, mortified.

"Gloria." I follow your gaze to the screen door of your son's house. "The door is open," you whisper as way of explanation. "My grandkids…"

I release you at once. It was always the same thing. The same excuse.

In the beginning-well more like our new beginning-when we had first gotten home, we had agreed to keep things under wraps, to not make too big a deal of our relationship around our families

Just Friends, we had told out kids. We kept everyone in the dark except Nicky. Maybe that was part of the problem… Instead of being proud, I enabled the hiding.

But I'm so tired of hiding. I love you.

We aren't hurting anyone. Really and truly, I don't think anyone would mind. Infact, I don't even think they'd be surprised.

"How long are we going to keep doing this?" I finally ask. You drop my hand and I fold them politely in my lap. Turning my head down I focus on the cracks in the steps. I'm not oblivious to your hiss of breath, and I reflexively dig my nails into the skin of her hand. It's painful, but I can't protect you from this, and I can't keep protecting myself either.

Too many times I have allowed my to be hidden away. I've allowed myself to be treated like a secret. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to.

And you shouldn't want to either. Don't you want to know where we stand? I do.

"Doing what?" was your nervous reply.

The pinching feeling from my jagged, bitten nails, is a welcomed feeling compared to the drumming of my insanely pounding heart, as I prepare to speak. "Do I matter to you?" I ask softly. "At all? I know you love me. You say you love me but…"

"But what?" Already you sound broken. You're very upset. I didn't mean to do that… to upset you. You nervously look over your shoulder before reaching for me. "Gloria," your hand is obsessively gripping my bicep. It's almost painful actually. "Would you tell me what this is all about… please?"

"I don't want to hide anymore." There's an immediate weight lifted from my chest. "I don't want this to be a secret, Galina. I love you."

"I love you, but Gloria-"

"You don't want to tell them?" I ask. It's what I expected, but still, it stings.

"Please," you whisper. "It's not like that. I love you. I'm just not ready."

"It's been six years!" I exclaim in a harsh whisper. "How much more time do we need?"

Your eyes blaze with fury. "Have you told your kids, your aunt?" She challenges. "You talk about me-"

"I was going to tell them tonight," I say honestly, "when I tell them about my promotion. Galina," I beg. "We can do this. We can. I'm making good money, we have a schedule. We could get a house-"

"Gloria…"

"Your grandkids could have a room, we could have an extra for Nicky. She always ends up on someone's couch from time to time after Lorna kicks her out." I can't help the smile that comes across my lips. "Besides that, Lourdes isn't getting any younger. My sons are leaving soon… and then it will just be me."

The way you're looking at me now… you're hanging on my every word… it's a dream.

You see my dream.

"That all sounds very nice," you agree softly. "I would love nothing more then to…." you trail off softly and look toward the screen door. "But Gloria… I'm sorry. I just- I can't. Not yet." You reach for my hands, which are balled and red in my lap. "Please," you whisper. "Just… why can't you be happy with what we have?"

I don't really have a response for that. I'm not sure there is one. Is it selfish to want more from you? I'm so confused. I don't know what up or down, left or right… and apparently I don't know what's wrong and right.

But I just can't stop the nagging feeling… this feels wrong to me. It feel like we're cheating ourselves, denying what anyone else would kill for.

"Can you be happy with this?" You asked softly, cradling my hands in yours.

My heart feels as if it's pounding in my ears.

"I don't want to hurt you," you whisper.

My eyes fall closed. I've been here once before, briefly… the cusp of heartbreak. It feels as if my heart will pound and explode from my chest any minute.

Can I be happy with this? I ask myself. No.

"No?"

Wait… that's your voice, I reason. I turn my head to look at you.

Heart break.

I see nothing but heart break in your eyes.

"No?" You repeat.

My chest tightens and spasms. "No…" I trail off. I can feel my hair move… I can tell I'm shaking my head. "No." I say a little more firmly.

I can't be happy with that.

I don't even feel it… that I've stood up. "I should go," I whisper.

"No, Gloria!" You're standing up too now. You won't let go of my arm. "Gloria wait… wait… what are you saying."

I make it down the steps, your hands still securely around my arm as you try to pull me back. I can hear your feet pattering against the pavement as you work to match my face

"Gloria!"

I can't feel it really, the way your nails are furiously digging into me. I'm just short of my car door, hand gripping the handle.

"Ma?"

We both turn our heads to see Yuri and Nicky on the front porch. I bet we looking fucking insane. Your head snaps back to me. "Don't go," you plead. "Gloria… where are you going?"

I shake my head and gently declaw you from around my arm. "You should probably go back inside…" I feel as empty as my words. "Your kids need you." I succeed in opening the door. I even manage to sit down. But you still won't leave.

"Don't do this!"

You're not crying, but any minute and I'm sure you will be. Any second and I'm sure I'll be crying. "I have to go," I say. "I need-" I look into your eyes.

I don't know what it is… but something passes over us in that moment.

"I love you," you whisper

"I know…" I nod along. "I love you."

But right now I just need some time…

"Take care of yourself," I say quietly.

You step back from my car. I start the ignition and pull the door closed. Before I can stop myself I hit the acceleration… but still I watch you in the rear view mirror, standing in the middle of the street with your arms crossed over your protectively. My vision is blurred with tears, but still I see you.

I will always see you.


	4. Chapter 4

-04-

I'm lying on the couch, and the tv is blaring in the background when my phone rings. "Jesus," I sigh. Reaching forward to grab it from where it lays on the coffee table, I roll my eyes as I read your daughter's name flashing across my screen.

Sliding my thumb across the accept button, I inhale a deep breath before slowly exhaling it. "Yes, Nicky," I whisper. The phone is secure in my hand as I hold it to my ear.

"Gloria! Gloria, thank God! Gloria…"

I pull the phone from my ear and whimper. I don't know she always does that—pants into the phone. She sounds like a winded Golden Retriever.

"Finally! I've been trying you for weeks! What the hell happened, where are you?" she asks. "Why are you ignoring me? Why are you ignoring Ma? Why are you so damn bullheaded?"

"Nicky-"

"You're an idiot!" she exclaims. "How could you just walk away and leave her? This isn't right. You two have been through everything together. I know you're upset-"

I pull the phone from my ear once more and let it dangle in my hand, off the side of the couch. I can hear her as she exclaims her point with passion. Your girl has always been vocal in her words, Red, and we both know how careless she can be her delivery, but today, she's hitting nerves that are still too raw.

I haven't seen you since that day.

Though it's no fault of your own. You've tried to reach out to me. You've left more than a dozen voicemails on my phone. I've listened to them all… sometimes, I play them at night, just so I can hear your voice. It brings me an odd sense of comfort.

This whole thing has been excruciating for me. Though I'm sure it hasn't necessarily been a picnic for you, either.

How has this been for you? I've wanted to ask that… I've wanted so badly to talk to you. It's all just so hard. Harder than when you left me in prison for a year… I know, I know, you didn't really leave me, but still, it was lonely. I haven't felt that way—that alone—in a long time.

You know, my kids have tried to help me through this whole thing. Those guys are truly so sweet. Benny bought me discounted Valentine's Day candy to numb the pain. Isn't my guy a gentleman?

Oh, by the way, they say we're terrible at secrets…. Well, you're the one who is terrible at secrets.

His words. Not mine.

I tried to keep it from them Red, I really did.

I was planning to get through this on my own. You know, the way I get through everything.

All I need is time and some space.

But it seems that is unrealistic. Not even Nicky has given me a moment of peace. She calls me a million times a day, which is probably what she's so upset now. The phone's still secure in my hand, and I can still hear her shouting at me through the receiver. She's angry with me.

I'm sure you're angry too.

I didn't want to hurt you. You know that is the last thing I would ever want to do… it's just that… being with you… when you weren't really with me… it killed. And I know—I know you don't completely understand that. I know Nicky probably doesn't understand it… But I just need time.

I need to grieve the loss of us in silence. Mechanically, I move my thumb against the screen, effectively ending the call with her. I know it's wrong to shut her out—to hang up on her midsentence. I shouldn't treat her like this.

I shouldn't treat you like this. The very least I could do is return your calls.

Because she's right, we've been through too much together.

I'm not trying to hurt you, you know? I'm doing this more to punish myself then I am to punish you. And please, trust me, that knowledge doesn't sit well with me at all. In fact, it makes me feel sick. The loneliness has chilled me to the bone. I've been on the sofa for the last two weeks. I know it sounds crazy. I know we never shared more than a few nights together, but I can't find it in me to sleep in my own bed. Everything just feels so cold and empty, and my two-bedroom, cracker-jack box apartment suddenly feels too big.

God, I wish you were here.

You're probably having a great time with the grandkids or you're distracting yourself with Linda's mess…. Or Lydia? Lida?

Your daughter in law.

I know you've told me a hundred times, but I can never remember her name. In a weird way, she kind of reminds me of that Morello girl Nicky was so hung up on. Cute, but tiring.

You're a lucky woman, Galina, you know that?

You have it all.

I wanted it all with you.

It's just me now, or at least, it will be before too long. My kids are gone, doing whatever young men do, and Lourdes couldn't be less interested in me if she tried. She's been with me my whole life—I can see how after a while I'd lose some appeal.

God, Galina… the thought of being utterly alone like this… possibly for the rest of my life… it's a pill I just can't force myself to swallow.

…

Rolling onto my side, I catch sight of my favorite photo of us. It's displayed on my tv stand. It is an off guard shot from my last birthday party. A bittersweet sight for me. No one knew we were together, yet every time I look at that picture, I realize that my kids are right. We're hopeless at secrecy.

Isn't it obvious? The way I'm looking at you… the way you're smiling at me. You were wearing a blue dress and had even pinned your hair back. Your makeup was natural, and your lips were pinker then red. You looked good.

And I looked good too. Or at least you said I did.

Looking back on it now, though, I don't see anything overly impressive about jeans and a black and white striped sweater. But I suppose you saw the beauty in it. You saw the beauty in me.

You know you're the first one who has done that? Found something in me worth loving.

…

Everything is a whirlwind, a tornado of noise and the outside world that drains me.

It's mentally and physically exhausting to have your heart broken. I suppose in our case; however, one could argue that I broke my own heart. I didn't have to push you or walk away. I'm used to sacrificing…and missing out… so why couldn't have suffered in silence just a little longer if I really wanted to be with you'?

Laying here in my own misery, I wonder if I really would have been sacrificing and missing out, though. Because being with you in silence is better than not being with you at all, isn't it?

I'm so into my own head, distracted by my endless thoughts, I don't hear the knocking at the door. I don't hear my phone ringing… and I don't hear you letting yourself in.

I don't realize you're here until you're standing right in front of me.

"You look like hell, Gloria."

My eyes lift to yours and I fire back without missing a beat. "You don't look any better," my brow arches in challenge. "Who tried to drown you in a puddle?"

"Oh, so you knew it was raining?" You pull off your wet coat and throw it down on my coffee table. "I should kick your ass for not getting up to answer the door."

"What are you doing here?" I ask. You and I stare at one another for a time, it still doesn't seem quite real. I don't even realize that I've sat up until I feel the couch dip and realize you have taken it upon yourself to occupy the space next to me. "Who gave you a key?"

"I saw Benny in the stairwell."

"What did you do?" I ask. "Give him ten bucks or something."

"Twenty."

I can't help but smile. "He played you."

"It was money well spent." Your right hand takes its rightful place on my knee and your left is on the base of my neck. You're pulling me to lay against you and I only pretend to resist. "Gloria…." you squeeze my thigh and I can feel your perfectly manicured nails piercing into me through the thin fabric of my pajama pants.

"Galina…"

"I just wanted to see you," you whisper against my head. I can feel your words vibrating against me. You won't let me go and I'm not even sure I want you to. "I haven't heard from you. You haven't returned any of my calls. I was worried about you, Gloria… I miss you."

"You miss me?".

"Gloria…" You adjust your position on the sofa and I immediately fall into you. The comfort you bring me is immeasurable. The natural scent of you is comforting and overwhelming, and though I know how dangerous this comfort is, I just want to drown in it. "I never meant to hurt you." I can feel your mouth moving against the side of my head. "I would never hurt you."

"But you don't want to be with me-"

"That's not true. I do—I do want to be with you," you say.

"But…" I try to move, to pull away, but you won't let me. Your arms are securely wrapped around me. "You don't want anyone to know… you're embarrassed-"

"I was scared," you explain. "Gloria, I was scared. Okay. I would never, ever... ever be embarrassed by you."

"I don't want to be some secret," I say. "I don't want to hide… but… but I don't want to lose you."

You breathe a shaky sigh and I can't tell if it's one of relief or exhaustion. Perhaps a little of both. "I don't want to lose you, either." You say. "I don't… these past few weeks… Gloria… It's been awful. I have missed you every minute of every day."

"God," I sigh. "Galina…" I just want to lay here with you. I don't want to figure it all out right now. I know we'll have to… but I just want to listen to your heart. I just want to listen to it drumming inside of your chest. "What are we doing?" I ask.

"I'm holding you," you say. "Just… Just shut up and let me hold you."

"For how long?"

Your arms tighten around me, and mine tighten around your waist. "Until you tell me to let go."


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Only one chapter left after this one! This chapter, however, takes place years after they've reconciled._

-05-

And so, I held you.

Our time together continued.

We blended our families, and your dream for us came to life.

"We've had nine years of blissful memories together," I say.

You look at me over your shoulder, from where you're standing at the sink. "Ten years, Red," Your voice is raspy and broken as you speak. You haven't felt good the last few weeks, but you're as beautiful as ever. Your lips, full and pink, are tugged into a smile. "We've been together for ten."

"Well," I shrug, taking a drink from the mug in my hand. "Not yet. Our anniversary isn't for a few more days."

"Oh, yeah?" You ask.

My brows shoot up in surprise. "Gloria," I tsk your name and take another long drink. "You don't know?"

"I don't think _you_ know." You turn back to face me, an accusing, but playful look in your eyes.

"Oh, yeah, smarty-pants," I set down my mug and cross my arms over my chest. "Then when is it?"

"Tonight," you say.

I shake my head. "I don't think so… I think it's next week."

"Well, don't worry about it," you say easily. "You're not going anywhere." Turning back to the sink, you begin to wash the dishes from breakfast. You've become quite the domestic cat lately, and I must admit I am rather surprised… but I'm not complaining. The view I have of you is quite spectacular, especially from behind. Resting back against the fridge, I can't help but drown in the picture of you. You're wearing jeans and a black tank top. Your hair is longer now, just above your shoulders, but you've got it pulled back into a small ponytail.

"No," I agree softly, lovingly. "I'm not." A large smile is dancing across my lips. "You look beautiful today, my love?"

"Oh, yea?"

"Hmm," I hum, I have always thought you were beautiful, but today, you look exceptional. Even sick, and exhausted, you're a dream. An irresistible, all-consuming dream. Walking up behind you, my arms encircle your waist. I pull you close, and my eyes fall closed as the scent of you immediately lulls me into this perfect limbo between heaven and earth.

"What are you doing?" You ask. You head falls back and the side of your face, warm and blotchy, is pressed against mine.

"You smell good," I purr. Nuzzling my nose against the side of your head, I inhale the scent of your apple shampoo. My hand rubs along the front of your jeans as I kiss the knot in your jaw.

"What do you want?" Your hand covers mine.

"Can't I just hold you?" I kiss the corner of your mouth. One hand is thumbing the button of your jeans and the other is rubbing the inside of your thigh. My hips pressing into you from behind, you're pinned between my body and the countertop.

"No… Galina," your hand bats mine away.

"Why not?" I question. "Nicky is outside, the baby is asleep…"

"Nicky doesn't want to walk in this!" You whisper harshly, a smile tugging on the corner of your lips. "Besides, Julio's wife already dislikes me. How do you think she'd feel if she found out we were doing _this_ while we're supposed to be watching her son?"

"Well, she'd probably like you more if you weren't so mean to her."

"I am not mean!" You turn around to face me.

I playfully knock my forehead against yours. "Well, you're not nice."

"No," you agree. "I could probably be nicer…. it's just, she annoys me, Galina."

"Gloria…"

"I'm sorry," you apologize insincerely. "Not all of us can be as wonderful as you and get along with our daughter in laws." The eye roll that would have customarily followed your bullshit excuse is interrupted by a loud, painful round of coughing.

"Wow," I rub your back encouragingly. "Hey, do you need some water?" The sound your making as you work to push all the phlegm out of your lungs is alarming. "Gloria?" Your face is turning blue. I reach behind you for a cup and fill it with water. "Come on love, drink something."

Your coughing comes to a still, but you wince as you swallow. "I'm okay…." You inhale a large breath before releasing it. "Ahh, shit." Your hand is rubbing up and down the column of your throat.

"I'm sorry you don't feel good." I lovingly kiss your forehead. "Maybe we should cancel dinner tonight, hmm?" I place a kiss to your cheek. My hand plays softly through your hair as I tuck a piece behind your ear. I allow my fingers to trace down the shell of your ear, and gently squeeze your earlobe before flicking the silver hoops I had given to you on our last anniversary.

"Did you take your medicine?"

"Yes, mother," you mock me. A weak smile pulls across your lips and your eyes fall closed as you surrender to the attention that I am paying you. "But I think I'm going to quit taking it," you say hoarsely.

You begin to pull away from me and I swat at your ass in retaliation. "You just started them!" I swat at you again. "You can't just stop taking your medication."

"I don't like it."

"Jesus," I groan. "You're worse than Nicky."

"It's a huge pill!"

"You'll be okay," I say dismissively. "I've seen you go head to head with Lida and knock back shots with little to no effort at all. Surely that little thing isn't too much to swallow."

"I feel I always have more trouble breathing then before I took it." You release a frustrated sigh before erupting into another fit of painful coughing. Your face is red, and the sound is painful to my ears. As you finally begin to come to a calm, you massage your nimble fingers in circular motions against the sides of your throat.

"I'll call the doctor again Monday," I say reassuringly. "There is not much we can do today anyway. Maybe you should take a nap?"

"There's so much to do-" you're wheezing.

"I can cook," I object. "It is my specialty after all. You go lay down with the baby."

"Mmm," you agree. There's a whistle that comes out with every breath you take. "I love how much you love me." You softly kiss my lips and my hands circle your waist. "You don't think he's awake, do you?" You ask against my ear, arms around my neck/

"Oh, trust me," Nicky says as walks into the room. "The little monster is awake." She has your grandson, the newest member of our family, and Julio's son, on her hip. Immediately a frown pulls across your lips and I roll my eyes as you move away from me. I've never had to compete for your attention before, but this little guy captivates you in a way I could only ever dream of doing.

"Please tell me you didn't wake my baby." You still sound raspy and winded, so you're not as threatening as you'd probably like to be. "Nicky, if you woke him up, I'm going to knock you into next week."

Your hands reach out and you take him from her, a large smile immediately dancing across your lips. "Hi, _Papi!"_ You kiss both of his cheeks, and he lays his head down on your shoulder. "Did you have a good nap, hmm?" Your hand rubs over his very small back.

"Hi, Jacob," I wave at him.

He hides his face in your neck. Nearly three-years-old and he still doesn't like me much.

"Say relax, _Nonna,_ " Nicky tickles his chubby cheek. "Tell her Jacob, how you were waiting quietly on the bed for her to come get you." She moves around the kitchen with fluid ease. She grabs a banana and breaks it open. Splitting it in half, she holds the smaller piece out for Jacob and his face lights up as he takes it from her.

"What do you say?" You ask him.

"Thank you." He takes a sloppy bite from his half and then holds it in front of you, silently offering you a bite.

"What?" You push the banana back toward him. "I don't want the piece you slobbered over."

I chuckle softly and walk behind you, holding my hands out for Jacob. He declines me, and you kiss his temple. Spoiled little brat, both of you.

"We'll be back," you say.

"Where are we going?" He asks you.

"I'm going to bed," you answer him. "You're gonna lay down with me... make sure I don't have any nightmares."

His face lights up, and it's an expression that almost mirrors your own look of excitement. My heart pounds and I can't help but fall even more in love with you. You're everything to me, Gloria. I'm not sure you know that, or if you do, I think you often question it. I know you haven't been the most confident in yourself, but I hope you know and understand just how much I adore you. I don't know how you've managed to get such a hold on me, but I hope you never let go. The life that we have been able to create is more than I ever dreamed of. Years ago, you spoke of a vision that you had for our life—of what our family could look like—and though I was initially terrified of what you saw, I'm so glad, and so proud to have walked this journey with you.

"So," Nicky presses, interrupting my train of thought. My eyes are glued to you as you move around the living room. She has a look of amusement on her face, watching as I check you out, but she's smart enough to not call me on it. "What were you two talking about?"

"Ah," I wave my hand and grant her my full attention. "She's still not feeling too good. I'm wondering if we should cancel dinner tonight, so she can get some rest."

"No," she pouts. "Don't do that."

"Why?" I laugh. "We can always celebrate our anniversary another day. It's not till next week, although Gloria thinks it's tonight."

Her large, thick eyelashes bat in confusion. "Whose anniversary? Yours and Gloria's?"

"Yes," I say. "That's what tonight is for… isn't it?"

"Nooo…" she awkwardly drags out the word. "We celebrated your anniversary like… two months ago. Tonight, is Maxsim's Birthday…"

My eyes widen in alarm. "Maxsim?"

"Yes," She nods her head. "You know... The tall guy you gave birth to thirty-five years ago? The middle child… the one everyone forgets. Poor guy."

"I'm going to run to the store…Check in on Gloria for me will you. Make sure the baby doesn't go back to sleep, his mother will be so upset if he stays up again all night. Sometimes I think Gloria does that on purpose."

"Of course, she does," she laughs. "Don't worry about a thing. I got dinner covered."

"If I come home and there's a box of pizza on this table-"

She holds her hand up in annoyance and passes me the car keys. "You forgot your son's birthday and you don't know your anniversary. I don't think you get to take the moral high ground here."

Purse over my shoulder, I recognize that she might have a point. "Touché."

...

"Gloria," I shake your shoulder. "Baby, wake up."

"She's sleeping," Jacob tells me.

"Honey, everyone is going to be here soon. You need to wake up." I smile at him and stoke your hair out of your face. You've always been a heavy sleeper. You've never been one for a quick nap. You're more like a hibernating bear. If the kids weren't all coming over, I'd be perfectly content to let you sleep. Lord knows you need it.

"Did you watch her?" I ask him. "Make sure she didn't have any bad dreams."

He smiles at me and lays his head against your shoulder. "I fell asleep too."

"Oh," I say with a smile. "Your mother will love that, huh?" I smirk and stroke my fingers over your cheek. "You know he's going to stay up all night, don't you?" I press a soft kiss to your lips, my beautiful sleeping beauty, and it's only with that act of genuine love that I realize how cool you skin feels

"Gloria?" I pull back in concern and sink to my knees. My warm hands cup your face, and it's like the very breath within me is forcefully removed.

My very beating heart stops.

"She won't wake up," Jacob says my very fears out loud. He climbs off the bed and places the stuffed toy he'd been playing with at your feet.

At this point, It's not a matter of wont… it's can't.

You can't wake up.

Before this realization strikes me, I'm leaning over you. My ear is to your mouth and my eyes are watching your chest for movement. "Gloria!" I shout. I pull back and your name is a manta on my lips as I shake you. "Gloria… No. Gloria… wake up!" I shake you harder. You're not breathing. "Gloria!" I look up toward the door, but all I see is Jacob running out. "Nicky!" I scream. "Nicky!"

"What?" Nicky asks as she runs into the room. "What?"

"Nicky, she's not waking up!" Tears are obstructing my vision, and all I see are flurry halos. You're a pixelated image. "Nicky she's not breathing! I don't think she's breathing!"

"Nonna's asleep," Jacob says again as he watches us from the doorway.

"Well don't just stand there, Nicky!" I yell at her as I rise to my feet "Call 911! She's not breathing."

...

"We think she may have had an allergic reaction to her medication," the Doctor tells me quietly. "Ms. Reznikov-"

"No…" I'm shaking my head. "No… I mean she was okay. She was okay not even two hours ago. Give her oxygen."

"I'm sorry," The doctor repeats himself. "Please know we did everything we could."

"I don't understand," I hold my hands up, halting him. "I don't…. No, see… she can't be dead. We have dinner plans tonight with our family. We're together… we have a family. We have… we have a life."

"Ms. Reznikov-"

"It's our anniversary," I say. "Or… it's my son's birthday." I run a hand through my hair. "She has a grandson." I tell him about Jacob because maybe then he'll have some compassion. Maybe if he knows you have tiny tot waiting for you, he'll try harder. Children are everything… how can you deny a child their grandmother. He can't take you Gloria. He can't take you from me. "She can't be dead. She has children… she has me."

"Her medication had sulfur," he says calmly. "According to her chart… Gloria was allergic to sulfur."

"No…Not was… _is._ She is allergic." My hand reaches out to grab his arm. "I need you to fix her. She has… I mean we have a life together. She has to come home."

"I'll have the morgue contact you…"

"The mo _rgue_?" I laugh bitterly. "No… No…You're not listening to me! Why aren't you listening to me?"

"Ms. Reznikov-"

"No!" Angry tears streaming down my cheeks. I nearly choke on my words, "I can't... I'm not… We have a life together."

"I'm sorry," his hand covers mine. He guides me to the room where they worked on you. I can see you from the window in the door. Your shirt is ripped and your red bra, my favorite bra of yours, is on display for everyone to see. You have a tub sticking out from your mouth, and there's a nurse cleaning up the room around you.

He holds the door open and I walk in. The first thing I do is pulled the two ends of your ripped shirt together. The leads, that were supposed to be monitoring your heart, prevent the fabric from covering your completely, so I pull the thin sheet up to your collarbone. The nurse guides me to sit down, and as I look over your beautiful face all I see is the tube. My hand is holding yours and I bring it to my lips. My red lip stain prints upon your hand. Opening your palm, I place it against my cheek. You feel like ice. My eyes close, but I lean into your touch.

"Please…" I whisper. "Gloria... wake up. You need to wake up."

 **Author's Note:** Also, if a sad and depressing journey is what you're in the mood for long term, check out MinervaSnape394 Story _Disintegration._


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Final Chapter! Thank you all so much for the reviews. *Hugs*_

-06-

A sea of your beauty conspires with red and yellow roses to drown the church. There's a projector above your casket, and it is playing with memories of your life before me, and of the life you shared with me. The younger shots of you are beautiful. You're so young and so full of life. You can see the excitement and joy in your eyes as the younger you cradles swollen, pregnancy bumps. Another picture is of you in a wedding gown, and the one after that is of you crouched down on the floor with your children. The boys are so young, probably even too little realize a picture has been taken, but they're so clearly fascinated with you.

I don't blame them.

In the next shot you're wearing red lipstick, and dark jeans, and my fingers instinctively brush over my own lips. Vividly, the emotions of lust and love swell inside of me as I allow myself to think about how you would respond, and encourage me to kiss you. I see red lipstick stains all over your skin, and I wish I had a picture to commemorate the visual masterpiece of my affection and adoration.

As beautiful as I find you in the montage that plays, my favorite portrait of you is at the front of the church, next to your casket. It's a bittersweet sight for me. You're wearing the same purple dress, today, that you are in that picture, and while your hair was short, today it's long and curled around your shoulders.

I made sure to curl it for you. You always wore it straight, but I wanted people to see the softer side of you. I wanted them to catch a mere glimpse at what I saw every time I looked at you.

Do you know this morning was the first time that I've seen you in three days?

It's been three of the longest days of my life, Gloria. I'm not sure how I am supposed to go forevermore without you. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've taken to the sofa because our bed is too big, too empty and too cold without you. Everytime I look at your side of the bed, all I can think about is how you're supposed to be there laying next to me. You're supposed to be playing on your phone, and channel surfing. You're supposed to be irritating me as I read, and you're supposed to instigating a round of passionate love making to make up for it.

You're supposed to be here, damn it!

A shadow standing over me grabs my attention and I slowly lift my head up. Julio smiles at me sadly and adjusts Jacob in his arms. "We'll get started shortly," he says.

I force myself to smile at your grandson. He misses you already. I think he's starting to realize that you're never going to wake up. His head on Julio's shoulder and he's looking at me with sad, pleading eyes. It's almost as if he wants me to fix this, and bring you back.

God, how I wish I could.

He's all I have left of you Gloria. He's the spitting image of you, so beautiful, and so quiet. My hand reaches out to touch his leg, and he doesn't pull it back. My fingers slip under the fabric of his like little black suit pants and I stroke his ankle.

"Take him," Julio tells me.

I shake my head subtly. "He's not going to want me. Not the way he wants her." I say.

"You're all you two have left of one another." He adjusts his son before passing him to me.

The instant Jacob is in my arms, he lays his head against mine and my heart does a summersault. I feel as if I have you back. Inhaling a deep breath, he adjust his legs around me. I realize now, why you were so quick to drop me like a hot potato. His arms tighten around my neck and mine tighten around his back.

What the hell am I supposed to do, Gloria? I can't do this without you.

...

"You look beautiful, Ma" Nicky whispers into my ear. The baby is back in his mother's arms and I miss him terribly. Nicky tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and wraps an arm around my shoulder. She pulls me close to her, holding my tightly in place so that I am leaning against her. "Gloria always thought you looked beautiful." Her tone has taken a softer, almost adoring tone. "She loved you in this outfit, and you know she would have loved your shoes."

Folding my hands in my lap, I play with the cuffs of my black blazer. Running a gentle hand up the length of my forearm I am trying to take special care to ignore the fact that my entire figure, down to my feet, are encased in black. I wanted to wear something colorful for you, something blue, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I want to drown in my sadness. I want the mayhem that's swarming endlessly in my head to swallow me whole. I don't want to do this without you Gloria.

You weren't just my first or last chance at forever.

You were my only chance.

…

"I am so sorry."

"What are you apologizing for?"

"I made her take the medication," I whisper. Tears instantly fill my eyes as I look up to meet Benny's.

"No," he consoles me. He places his hand on my knee and squeezes it. "You didn't know, Galina."

"I should have," I whisper.

"It was an accident," he whispers.

Shaking my head, leaning forward at the waist, I ring my hands together painfully. "She told me she didn't feel good." I repeat your words from our last conversation. "She told me she didn't like the way they made her feel." In the same way that I can't let go of her guilt, I can't let go of the warning sign that had been in front of my face the entire time. "She said it felt harder to breathe than before she took the medication."

"She had a respiratory infection," He tells me. "She would have had trouble breathing anyway." Moving closer to me, he pulls me toward him. His head atop of mine, he rubs his large hand over my arm comfortingly. "It's not your fault."

"It feel like it."

"It's not," He kisses my forehead. "Galina…"

"No," I shake my head. "I'm not ready."

"I know," he kissed me temple. "Neither am I, but you need to say goodbye. We shouldn't keep everyone waiting too long," he whispers. "We need to get to the gravesite." He squeezes my hand before slowly disentangling himself from me and standing. "I'll wait for you outside. Okay?"

…

Stroking your face I smile down at you.

My eternal sleeping beauty.

"If I try hard enough," I whisper, the back of my fingers stroking your cheek. "I can almost pretend you're asleep." I trace down the bridge of your nose lovingly. A light laugh bubbles from my lips. "You'd be proud of me, baby," I mouth. "I painted my nails a color other than red." My hand continued a journey downward, and softly sweeps the skin of your collarbone. "It matches the purple in your dress."

Gripping the black casket, my fingers flex against the white satin that lines the inside and I inhale a deep, shaky breath. Sweeping my eyes over your lifeless physique is the the most painful thing I had ever done. The sight of Nicky's necklace displayed around your neck brings me little comfort. She's always worn that thing, and knowing it'll be with you, makes me believe you'll be less alone. Your hands are folded neatly over your abdomen, and yellow and red roses are clasped in your hands. Diamond earrings, that I had planned to give you that night, are clasped securely in your ears.

"Neither of us were right," I say. "Nicky was, when she said we celebrated two months ago… I just, I didn't want you to think that I forgot."

You remain quiet and still, though of course it would be odd if you responded. It's just that I desperately want to hear your voice.

Looking at you like this, I want to pretend—I can almost pretend— that you're just asleep. I don't want any of this to be real. But the picture is all wrong. You don't sleep on your back. You sleep on your stomach, with your arms curled beneath you.

"There's still so much we never got to do together, Gloria. There's still so many more firsts…. what am I going to do without you?" I look around the empty chapel. "I never thought I'd say this… but I'm going to miss coming here with you," I confess. "And I don't even like church." I take your hands in mine and stroke my thumb over the back of your skin. "But I loved to make you happy." My bottom lip trembles and I pull it between my teeth, painfully so, biting it so hard I taste a little blood.

"I did that didn't I?" I ask. "I made you happy?" I trail my her fingers across your own bare ones.

Now, looking at you, I wish we both weren't so stubborn. We should have taken Nicky up on her offer to marry us. You wouldn't hear of it, and I followed you lead. Whatever made you happy. Whatever you wanted was what I wanted.

For so long, so many years, I denied you your voice in our relationship and I shouldn't have done that. I think about the lost time and the lost memories we had because of my fear… how differently things could have been had I not allowed us to hide. I shouldn't be myself up about it, especially not today, but I can't help it. I can't help but think about every argument we ever had.

The sound of footsteps fill the room and I look over my shoulder to see the funeral attendants. They're waiting in the door… they're waiting for me to leave. They're waiting to close the casket… they're waiting to take you away.

This is the most painful thing I've ever done. The reality is setting in…. this will be the last time I ever see your face.

Their eyes say everything I don't want to hear.

"I guess this is it," I whisper, my voice cracking. "I love you." I stroke my fingers alone the softness of your cheek, and my thumbs sweeps over your bottom lip. "Wait for me, okay?" Placing one last and final kiss to your lips, I move away from thne casket and watch despatningly as the attendants close and lock it forever.


End file.
